I miss you.
Sometimes it can be hard to admit when we miss someone especially when we are talking about ourselves. And I don’t know about you but for some strange reason, my mind always tends to drift toward the past more than it does the future, especially when it rains. So if you live in Michigan then you can understand why this past weekend was one of reflection for me. I have come so far and have accomplished so much in 28 years, but there are still times where I wish I could go back. Back to when I was more open and trusting of the people around me. Back to when the idea of falling in love didn’t completely terrify me. Before I cared about book sales and book reviews. Before I was made aware of my body’s flaws and started questioning my worthiness. . .
For years, I felt like something was “missing” – not just in my life, but from me. And I’ve had this same feeling echoed back to me in conversation with some of my closest girlfriends lately. I’ve even caught similar messages while scrolling different timelines. And I am so over it!
Please know that I’m not ashamed to say I was weak for love before. I’ve been betrayed and lied to by the same person I slept next to every night. I’ve run back to friendships/relationships I knew weren’t healthy or beneficial out of loneliness and uncertainty. I stayed loyal to someone even though I was unhappy long before I was confronted with court cases, baby momma drama, and the possibility of adding “Felon” at the end of my description.
I was just entering into my early 20’s when a nightmare of a break up made me realize that even though I could identify certain characteristics I possessed, I never really knew who I was to begin with. I wasn’t prepared to lose him, but it wasn’t until I was alone that I realized I had lost myself in my relationship long before then. So many of my good qualities had laid dormant for so long, I almost forgot they were there.
It also helped me realize that by trying to get to know the girl I used to be, instead of the woman I am becoming, I would be ignoring all of the parts of me that are begging to be acknowledged, if not celebrated. Instead of seeking my old self, I had to find my true self first because there were so many parts of my past where I wish I had done things differently, that if I didn’t, I would continue to rob myself of every moment or possibly my future. So trust me when I say there have been plenty of instances where I wished I had spoken up. And times, I wished I hadn’t. Like most young people, my needs easily overrode my instincts until I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I knew something had to change. I just didn’t know it was me.
So my question for all of my ladies who miss their former selves is; what happens when you do finally get past those feelings of doubt or inadequacy? Will you be stuck on the fact that you remained stagnant during that time and turn that into another reason to be angry at yourself? How often will you wonder “If only. . .?” And if you answered yes to any of these questions, where is the growth in that? I had to ask myself the same thing.
But for those of you who are REALLY determined to back track to the girl you used to be, even if you do “make it back”, what if your old self does not serve you anymore? What do you tell her? Would you even recognize yourself? Through my own experiences I’ve found that a major source of unhappiness came from not accepting who my pain made me. Because let’s face it – pain changes people and in more profound ways than joy unfortunately. No one stays the same, and if they did, would that really be a good thing?
In all honesty, I have absolutely no desire to be the girl I once was because if I would have stayed that girl I wouldn’t have made it this far. I damn sure wouldn’t be blogging and telling y’all my business like this lol. But I am much more confident now. Even in the first pic I posted on this blog you notice I’m facing forward. I’m done looking back. There is nothing for me there. All of the things I’ve endured have made me stronger and smarter than I’ve ever been and I am much more accepting of myself – including my mistakes. Instead of fighting my disappointments, I’ve allowed them to guide me back to the right path. Back to the real me.