What the Price of Instant Gratification Could Cost You

What the Price of Instant Gratification Could Cost You

I want what I want and I want it now! Sounds familiar right?

nownownow

Waiting is hard, especially when we live in a culture that has been re-designed to fulfill our desires at the push of a button. But in the end, what are our wants really worth when we don’t work for them? And is instant gratification really a bad thing?

I don’t remember where I was or what I was doing, but I could sense this need for instant gratification slowly seeping into every aspect of my life, and not just online. Perhaps you have yet to notice, but the evidence of short-term satisfaction is everywhere you look. From the way we shop down to the way we love one another, the beauty of social media is the ability to exchange ideas and opinions with the rest of the world; however, there is no denying the negative ways this tool has shaped our lives as Millennials. And while none of our needs are new, our expectation of what is ‘fast’ is 10x faster than our parents’. Because who has time to wait, when you have a million other things to get done?

More and more retailers are helping us not leave the house by offering same-day delivery. Bits and pieces of the daily news are sprinkled throughout hashtags and timelines as we bullshit through our workday. Quick fun has become more important than learning regardless of age. Practically every beauty product on the shelf claims to offer ‘instant’ results, even though 90% of their labels are nothing but lies. Excuses provide us with material things we don’t have the money to buy. And sadly, some of our closest relationships suffer when Facebook or Twitter is preferred over what could have been a five-second phone call.

Personally, I noticed this habit popping up most notably when dating. I had to check myself when I realized that as soon as I meet a guy I like, I become obsessed. He’s like my new favorite song and I can’t get enough of him. I’m clocking all his moves and interests online. I make an effort to talk to him damn near every day. But the problem with this is that by having these needs fulfilled so soon, actions lose value. I came to realize that I cannot place expectations on foundations that haven’t been built yet, or else my trust would crumble. So instead of day-dreaming about romance and what the future holds, I am allowing the person I am interested in to meet me there. As time goes on, even the smallest gestures will mean SO much more.

So while instant gratification can serve as a great source of motivation, my point is it can also hinder us from what it is we really want, ultimately leaving us unsatisfied. I also think that most of us treat the future like a myth until we wake up the next day, which is why it is so important to practice self-control and accountability before you are faced with long-term consequences. From now on, when I set my goals the first thing I look for is long-term value, without allowing short-term pain to distract me from my success. And while patience might be one virtue I have yet to fully grasp, I can’t let my need for instant gratification cost me something I can’t afford to lose – my future.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Who Do You Think You Are?

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs

Alright y’all. I have a confession. I’m at this age where “Who Are You?” is still one of life’s hardest questions for me to answer. Just coming up with the little bit of an “About Me” section for this blog was a struggle, and I barely watered my interests down to a paragraph. So many people brand your twenties as time spent “finding yourself,” so with only two years left I figured it was time to make sense of my past, present, and future. I’ve spent years reflecting on the good, the bad, and the ugly in order to uncover the core traits that make me the sensitive thug I am today lol. And while I was looking for direction, I also knew I needed the courage to follow it. Here’s what I found.

entj-personality-type-header

If I remember correctly, my discovery came about randomly one day while scrolling Facebook (of all places, I know). I came across a link asking me to take a “personality test”, and with time to kill, I figured why not? What could it hurt? And believe it or not, it actually helped. Growing up in a culture dominated by materialism and good looks, it is all the more important that we celebrate our personalities, and to also understand that we are much more than our jobs, titles, or responsibilities to others. We often search for things outside of ourselves because we had yet to realize our own worth and abilities, but unless we know who we are now, we will never become the person we are truly meant to be. It’s actually part of the reason I’ve stayed single so long. Not only did I need to take time to rebuild my career and my self-esteem, I refuse to enter into another relationship until I am sure of who I am and what I want.

So you could only imagine my surprise when I found out that my personality type is classified as ENTJ (extraversion, intuition, thinking, judgment) and that only 2% of the general population think the same way I do. That number is even lower for women at just 1%! After reading through each section detailing my strengths and weaknesses, romantic relationships, friendships, parenthood, career paths, and workplace habits, I gained so much understanding over my life. The accuracy was unbelievable. I mean, it was almost like a psychic typed it.

Not to say I was ever lacking in the personality department because that is certainly not the case. I could identify things I did well or could stand to change for quite a while, but the results from my test helped fill in the “why.” When they pretty much summed up everything I already knew to be true about me in the introduction I knew they were on to something. It was like all of a sudden my whole life made sense. Seriously.

They call me “the commander” and for a reason. I own my strengths like being efficient, charismatic, and inspiring, and have come to learn how this can sometimes overwhelm others. I can also admit that some of my weaknesses are my stubbornness, impatience, and the fact I have a hard time processing mushy emotions, which can sometimes make me come off as cold and ruthless, even to those I love (tried to tell y’all I’m a thug).

analysts_Commander_ENTJ_friendships.png

Although I will say the one aspect of my life I questioned the longest up until this point were my friendships. I’ve acquired a lot of “friends” out of circumstance, or better yet, convenience, and would later be left questioning why they never lasted. What the hell was wrong with me? After all I was the common denominator so I had to be doing something wrong. Afterwards I was always left feeling like the disposable friend no one really valued, thus was never afraid to lose. I even went out of my way to befriend new people just because. One of the best decisions I’ve made came at the start of this year when I took the pressure off myself to make friends and put more energy into appreciating those already in my circle. Most importantly, I’ve learned that by surrounding myself with other creatives, I am so much happier. So if you want to discuss some deep shit about goals and the universe then holla at me. But don’t waste my time with gossip and bullshit.

Another big part of my life is my work. I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, to the point where other people can see it. Aside from my desire to write full-time, my dissatisfaction from working dead-end jobs also stems from my craving for leadership, responsibility, growth and opportunity. I was pegged as a leader at a young age. My earliest memory of my influence stemmed from my 5th grade teacher Mr. Larson pulling me aside while the rest of the class was at recess, and asking me to set an example for the other students since he felt they would follow me.  I can only hope I’ve done a good job.

Curious about your personality type? All you have to do is go to https://www.16personalities.com, answer the questions and don’t forget to share. And while one test might not have all the answers, it can get you closer to it.

Don’t Forget to Stop and Smell the Cotton Candy

Don’t Forget to Stop and Smell the Cotton Candy

Processed with VSCO with s3 preset

 

It’s finally starting to feel like summer. Well, that’s depending on the day if you live in Michigan, but I will say it feels nice to finally shed my coat, and in my case, more than a couple of inches off my hair this past Friday. And although the season change isn’t official until June 21st, Memorial Day marks the start of vacation season for most of us.

Or so we hope.

In my case, I am coming up on my ten-year anniversary as an author in less than 2 months. Not only that, but July just so happens to be the same month I plan to launch my second independent project, “Paradise & Promises: An End to the Fast Life,” so you know that deadline is something serious. The pressure is mounting. I can feel it. And it is so exciting and terrifying all at once.

In the meantime, promo is picking up and more modeling opportunities seem to be rolling in, which I am always grateful for. And even though I’ve always felt a need to deliver, this past weekend made me realize I’ve been so busy fighting this burnt out feeling lately, I haven’t put in much effort into fixing it. Even as I type this I have emails to answer and calls to make. I can tell you now my sleep schedule has been shit and I have the bags to prove it. Every time I looked at my manuscript, my creativity would stall out after just a few words. Despite all the ideas swirling in my head on a daily basis, I hadn’t touched my blog in at least a month. With everything I have to do this summer, I realized I had to check my inner workaholic if I had any chance of enjoying my holiday away from my computer. Because as crazy as it sounds; in order for me to keep being productive, I needed to take a break.

And I am so glad that I did.

Processed with VSCO with s3 preset

For me, there is just something so nostalgic about summer carnivals so any chance I get I have to go. Growing up poor in Reading, Pennsylvania meant that it was probably one of the most exciting things I’d do all summer. If you know anything about my hometown then it’s easy to understand why I felt that way and if you grew up in a single-parent home then it wouldn’t be hard to understand why that was. Even to this day, my summer almost doesn’t feel complete without at least one visit.

There is just something about the smell of French fries and funnel cakes floating through the air that makes me lick my lips just writing this. Isn’t it funny how you’re surrounded by screams and laughter, yet you tend to tune out because you’re too busy doing the same thing? Back then I was lucky if I won a goldfish, and even luckier if it lived a week, so it’s probably best that all I won this time around was a stuffed emoji face (lol).

When I was little, I was so hyped up on sugar I didn’t realize how high the Ferris wheel was, but I do now (P.S. I don’t do heights y’all). And yes, getting my face painted is still mandatory. I don’t care if I am 28.

Processed with VSCO with s3 preset

How I Made Rejection My Bitch

How I Made Rejection My Bitch

bw3

 

Rejection sucks. But I’m sure you don’t need a blog post to tell you that.

Whether you finally got an interview for that great paying job you always wanted, you snagged a big audition you’re praying you land, or you are obsessing over that guy that is just “too busy” to take two seconds out of his life to text/call you back, the sting of rejection is always painful. And I’m speaking from first-hand experience as an author, model, and a woman. Just this past weekend, I was passed over by another major modeling agency (yet again). Over the course of the last three months, I realized the one guy who is always on my mind, clearly never thinks about me. . .

Putting yourself out there can be scary enough, especially when our vulnerability is not padded by a sense of achievement or acceptance. At least not on our timing.  Going for what you want takes a certain level of courage and bravery that may take some time to muster up, so when that risk is not immediately followed by a reward, it easy to see how a sense of failure could take a toll on your confidence. But it doesn’t have to.

When thinking of all the times I’ve been forced to swallow the bitter taste of “not being good enough,” there is one instance that sticks out most in my mind. I was in my early 20’s, and I had been working a dead-end job cashiering at Whole Foods for several years too long. In short, I was miserable waiting on snobby Ann Arborites who could barely be bothered to acknowledge my existence, while at the same, I was dying for the opportunity to write full time.

With my talent, working retail was a special type of torture that seemed to be prolonged by my negotiations with my publisher at the time, Kimani Tru. Per my contract they had first dibs on my next manuscript. Only thing was it took two years of negotiations to tell me they didn’t want it – no exaggeration. I was actually at work when I found out that I’d written a whole new book – like so many had wanted, and all that work, was for nothing. After watching my email like a hawk on a daily basis, it was back to the drawing board. And then, not even five minutes later, I am on my lunch break when I get a call informing me that my agent Mannie Barron, who helped me get my start in the industry, had passed away. It was all so overwhelming. And it all came crashing down on me in a matter of 15 minutes.

bw2

Now, I think most people at this point would have taken this as a sign and left it at that. I could have easily said the author life is not for me and let it go, but my passion for writing would never allow it. It was then I decided to re-write what I had already written, and publish it myself, which was great because it granted me the freedom to create on my own terms. Once I wasn’t trying to fit anyone else’s criteria, I could restructure the story to my liking. However, cutting out the middle man also meant I would have more creative control as well as financial responsibility. I had a lot to learn and it was up to me to teach myself, but I still managed to launch “Love, Lies & Consequences (The Fast Life Sequel)” on my 25th birthday, after a six-year hiatus in an oversaturated industry. Coming back to the game after being gone for so long, and without a major publishing house to back me, let’s just say I had my doubts (lol). Had I listened to them, I wouldn’t be getting ready to launch book number four this summer.

So as much as it hurts, rejection has taught me to be all the more grateful for the opportunity in the first place. And instead of trying to figure out why things didn’t go the way I hoped they would, I simply accepted the outcome. I’ve learned to build off of constructive criticism without critiquing myself as a person and that most of my frustration comes from the fact that I actually do believe in myself and my abilities – not the opposite. Knowing I have what it takes, I figured I could drive myself crazy or I could channel that energy into my success. I could let it stop me or use it as fuel. After all, there is always room for improvement.

Whether it affects my personal or professional life, rejection has taught me there is good to be found in everything – especially new beginnings. So if anything, hearing the word “no” only motivates me to go harder. More promo. More photoshoots. More castings and open calls. My perseverance has no expiration when it comes to things (or people) I really want. I also realized that the more I put my name or face out there the more likely I am to be recognized for my grind later. And in this day and age, you really never know who is watching. In some cases, all it takes is one yes in order to be successful. Just know I’m not going to stop until I get it.

 

 

#formymisses Who Want That Old Thang Back: Why I Had To Leave My Old Self Where She’s At

#formymisses Who Want That Old Thang Back: Why I Had To Leave My Old Self Where She’s At

blogmem

I miss you.

Sometimes it can be hard to admit when we miss someone especially when we are talking about ourselves. And I don’t know about you but for some strange reason, my mind always tends to drift toward the past more than it does the future, especially when it rains. So if you live in Michigan then you can understand why this past weekend was one of reflection for me. I have come so far and have accomplished so much in 28 years, but there are still times where I wish I could go back. Back to when I was more open and trusting of the people around me. Back to when the idea of falling in love didn’t completely terrify me. Before I cared about book sales and book reviews. Before I was made aware of my body’s flaws and started questioning my worthiness. . .

For years, I felt like something was “missing” – not just in my life, but from me. And I’ve had this same feeling echoed back to me in conversation with some of my closest girlfriends lately. I’ve even caught similar messages while scrolling different timelines. And I am so over it!

Please know that I’m not ashamed to say I was weak for love before. I’ve been betrayed and lied to by the same person I slept next to every night. I’ve run back to friendships/relationships I knew weren’t healthy or beneficial out of loneliness and uncertainty. I stayed loyal to someone even though I was unhappy long before I was confronted with court cases, baby momma drama, and the possibility of adding “Felon” at the end of my description.

I was just entering into my early 20’s when a nightmare of a break up made me realize that even though I could identify certain characteristics I possessed, I never really knew who I was to begin with. I wasn’t prepared to lose him, but it wasn’t until I was alone that I realized I had lost myself in my relationship long before then. So many of my good qualities had laid dormant for so long, I almost forgot they were there.

It also helped me realize that by trying to get to know the girl I used to be, instead of the woman I am becoming, I would be ignoring all of the parts of me that are begging to be acknowledged, if not celebrated. Instead of seeking my old self, I had to find my true self first because there were so many parts of my past where I wish I had done things differently, that if I didn’t, I would continue to rob myself of every moment or possibly my future. So trust me when I say there have been plenty of instances where I wished I had spoken up. And times, I wished I hadn’t. Like most young people, my needs easily overrode my instincts until I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I knew something had to change. I just didn’t know it was me.

So my question for all of my ladies who miss their former selves is; what happens when you do finally get past those feelings of doubt or inadequacy? Will you be stuck on the fact that you remained stagnant during that time and turn that into another reason to be angry at yourself? How often will you wonder “If only. . .?” And if you answered yes to any of these questions, where is the growth in that? I had to ask myself the same thing.

But for those of you who are REALLY determined to back track to the girl you used to be, even if you do “make it back”, what if your old self does not serve you anymore? What do you tell her? Would you even recognize yourself? Through my own experiences I’ve found that a major source of unhappiness came from not accepting who my pain made me. Because let’s face it – pain changes people and in more profound ways than joy unfortunately. No one stays the same, and if they did, would that really be a good thing?

In all honesty, I have absolutely no desire to be the girl I once was because if I would have stayed that girl I wouldn’t have made it this far. I damn sure wouldn’t be blogging and telling y’all my business like this lol. But I am much more confident now. Even in the first pic I posted on this blog you notice I’m facing forward. I’m done looking back. There is nothing for me there. All of the things I’ve endured have made me stronger and smarter than I’ve ever been and I am much more accepting of myself – including my mistakes. Instead of fighting my disappointments, I’ve allowed them to guide me back to the right path. Back to the real me.

Black & White Beginnings

Black & White Beginnings

IMG_0481

Photography by Christian Davis

For as long as I have been an author, I’ve had people on my head about a blog. I mean, we’re talking yearssss. And while I dabbled with the idea back in 2013-2014, my own motivation and inspiration quickly died out not long after I launched 16dreams. It was apparent that I was writing more for others than for myself and was way more concerned with their thoughts or reception – at least to me anyway. As a writer, I felt so constricted, like I was still trying to fit my ideas into a theme I had since outgrown.

But this blog? This blog here is different. I will tell you upfront I am not a big fan of censorship and I rarely care enough to lie so brace yourself for some real shit. I’m wordy so I will warn you now that most posts will probably be pretty long. But the idea of “For My Misses” actually stems from my social media handle @callmemisscarta. I came up with that name given the fact that I actually had my peers addressing me as “Miss Carta” back in high school – and I still do. Plus, we all know us millennials don’t just go around using “sir” and “miss” on a regular basis so I felt like that title was given out of respect and that was something I wanted to share with others, especially other women.

And for the sake of pure honesty, I was also partially inspired by Drunken Master’s “50 Playas Deep” (True Story) lol. So you can probably tell I can get a little hood with it at times, but if this is not proof that inspiration can be found in some of the most unexpected places then I don’t know what is!

That is also part of the reason why when I did finally decided to give blogging another try, I said I would wait until I dropped book #4 so I could give myself enough time to put it together exactly how I wanted it. I wanted to make sure I had the perfect title to match my perfect background and plenty of engaging content to kick things off. Part of me wanted to be like all the cool kids with their carefully curated feeds and photos. But then I said fuck all that.

I’m not perfect, no one is. And I don’t plan to mislead you with a blog of deep quotes and shallow entries to fake you out. I refused to be boxed in – let alone by my own damn blog. There is no topic off limits just like there is no set schedule to my posts. The less rules the better. I mean, it’s already hard enough to define yourself as just this one thing without limiting your opportunities, and I think this struggle applies to most women regardless of what we look like or where we are from. Our moods change by the minute. Our styles change with the seasons. Our interests change with age. So it only makes sense that we change with them, right?

If you’ve ever read one of my books then you know my main focus is romance, but when it came to blogging I knew I had to get out of this “me, me, me” mentality and create something more inclusive and relatable. So while I hope this blog can serve as a reflection of me and my thoughts – however that looks or feels at that time – I also see this as a way to open the door for deeper dialogue on some of the similar issues or experiences we share. Even if it’s a simple head nod in agreement. It’s always nice to be reminded you’re not alone.

I must admit this whole blog thing is still pretty new to me and I’m not sure where it will lead. All I really know is I needed to find a way to unleash any and everything I’ve been holding in without social media getting in the way and I know I can’t be the only one. This year I’ve been wrestling with an unbearable urge to use my voice outside of Facebook coupled with the desire to express some of my deepest thoughts in ways Twitter won’t allow. Now I can finally say I am ready to share my truth beyond the Gram. Just know ain’t no filters here.